Just try getting this song out of your head now. Good luck.
I’d love to live in an 80s sitcom.
I’d have a sidekick with an annoying nickname who gets me into innocent mischief but actually proves to be a genuinely good person at heart.
I’d spawn a few catch phrases that would ultimately land my face on thousands of profitable t-shirts.
I’d go to a high school with one hallway and six lockers.
I’d have problems that could be solved in under thirty minutes each week, leading to a happy ending many times in the span of a year.
I’d skillfully navigate my way through the “Very Special Episode,” learning a valuable lesson in the end, forgetting it ever happened by the next episode, and find myself in another “Very Special Episode” when the ratings start to slump.
I’d sit in my living room on a couch that faces nothing.
I’d end up with a little brother or sister who magically aged six years in three months.
I’d play baseball with the neighbors on an AstroTurf lawn the size of a closet.
I’d be the valedictorian, the prom queen, lead singer of a rock band, choose between Harvard and Yale, deal with a bully for one episode, stand up to the bully and become their best friend by the next, save a friend from making a morally objectionable decision, make a morally objectionable decision, get caught, get grounded for the remainder of an episode, and hide a pet from my parents with comical results.
I’d use the kitchen staircase.
I’d triumph over the most humiliating experience in the sitcom universe…getting glasses.
I’d make a cameo in another sitcom, say my catch phrase, smile, soak in the studio audience applause, and go home.
Yes, I’d love to live in an 80s sitcom.
If you live anywhere within a few hundred miles of Memphis, Tennessee, August 16, 1977 is a date you practically learn about in school. It’s the day that, depending on your perspective, Elvis Presley either died…or the grand hoax of his death was hatched.
I am the only person in my immediate family who has never called the Bluff City home at one time or another. My mom lived there in the mid-70s while she was working in a hospital lab. My dad lived there close to the same time and claims he could practically see into Graceland’s back yard. My brother lived in Southaven around ten years ago, which doesn’t really count for this story, so I have no idea why I threw in that little tidbit. (Moving on…)
Mom really has the most interesting story out of her experience with living in Memphis. She was in the right place at the right time for about two seconds of spectacular family lore that I can always count on as a great conversation-starter in a room full of Elvis fans.
Here’s how it goes.
She told me this happened about a year before Elvis died, which is a good thing, because if she had claimed it happened after he died, we’d probably all be spending a lot of money on her therapy. She was sitting at a stoplight on her way to work (I think…it could have been on her way home from work, or it could have been on the way to the grocery store…we’ll just say “work” for now). A motorcycle pulled up beside her at the stoplight, and she turned her head to offer a passing glance at the driver. As soon as she looked back at the stoplight, she realized who was on the motorcycle and snapped her head back around to look again.
He looked back at her, smiled, and the light changed.
That was it.
I didn’t even see Graceland until I was 33 years old and she had the chance to see the man himself in a chance meeting at a stoplight.
While the story may seem anti-climactic…c’mon, folks! My mom sat at a stoplight next to ELVIS PRESLEY! While he was STILL ALIVE! And he SMILED AT HER!
Mom’s not an Elvis super-fan or anything like that, so as scores of Elvis fans make their way to and from Memphis on this August 16, she won’t be waiting at the gates of Graceland to light candles or leave flowers.
But, you have to admit that she has a pretty cool Elvis story.
“I never knew my dad. He left before I was born. My mom did the best she could as a single mother trying to raise six of us. She didn’t speak English. She understood some of it, but she couldn’t respond. We lived outside on a dirt floor. One by one, my brothers and sisters were sent away. For some reason, I got to stay.
“Stay. There’s a word I heard a lot as a pup. I hated that word. I couldn’t do anything I wanted. One day, when I was a little older, someone left a door open and I ran away. I’d see my picture on fences and telephone poles from time to time, but I wasn’t going back there. I kept running. I think I liked chasing the red cars the best.
“I do okay. No leashes for this guy. I can get food anytime I want if I look at people just right. I stay in a barn most nights. The cows seem to be cool with it. Maybe I’ll settle down someday, but I’m in the prime of my life. You don’t stay four years old forever. I have time. I like to wander. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I knew where my family was, but I’m good. I’m a good boy. A good boy.”
During your formative years, you probably spent a lot of time trying to figure out your place in the universe. More specifically, the high school universe. With that in mind, my brief “career” as a cheerleader shouldn’t be too surprising. We all have to try different activities before we find something that fits, and it only took me a year to decide that cheerleading was not something I enjoyed. My fear of heights alone created enough problems.
Had I not had the experience, I probably would have wondered if I’d missed out on something. Of course, that’s not the case for everything. There are plenty of things I’ll never experience and never wonder about, like male-pattern baldness. However, at the time, in the high school universe, I had to find it out through trial and error.
As with anything, a number of tasks that must be completed as part of membership in organizations do not make themselves known until you are well into your involvement. Some are universal to the activity, like raising money for camp. Others are specific to your region, state, or school.
At our school, each week before the football games one cheerleader was responsible for making spirited name tags for the football players. Something about the way we did it bugged me, and it didn’t really occur to me to speak up until it was my turn to sit down and painstakingly create the little tags.
Every week, the tags were custom-made to tell the world exactly what we were going to do to our upcoming opponent.
And every week, the tags were wrong.
How, you say?
Well, for reasons that are still unknown to me to this day, the tags–without fail–always said something to this effect:
“Wrangle the Mustangs!”
“Sink the Pirates!”
“Kick the Mules!”
To make matters worse, the tags were in the shape of something that represented the opposing mascot: an anchor or a horseshoe, for example.
Our mascot was a vicious feline completely capable of inflicting its own brand of damage. The way I saw it, we were essentially switching sides. Every week.
I was on the floor tracing tiny tomahawks during practice one afternoon when I stopped and asked the big question.
“Why are we saying we’re going to do the things to them that their mascots are supposed to be doing to us?”
“Well, shouldn’t we be saying that we’ll claw them or mangle them or something? I mean, last week we said we’d sink the pirates. Isn’t it their job to sink us? We have to use our abilities, don’t you think? Cats don’t really like water anyway.”
“You think too much.”
Today, July 17, is World Emoji Day. (They have a day for everything.)
As far as I’m concerned, emojis represent another subtle step in the decline of language. Granted, had the ancient Egyptians not taken what was then a big leap forward and used their own form of emojis back in the day, written language as we know it might not have evolved to a more sophisticated state.
However, emojis–little characters on a screen–seem to possess enormous power among younger generations. More so than written language itself.
I’m sure you can find entire articles about how poorly-placed emojis ruined (fragile) relationships. Relationships rooted deeply in love, trust, understanding, and texts. Relationships in which the two parties had never actually spoken to each other…
My true love is, apparently, written language. I love to paint a picture with words, and I’m in awe of those who can do it beautifully. Words are powerful, and sometimes I fear that they are slipping away with each new generation.
That’s not to say I never use emojis.
Discovering how many emojis these here phones actually have. 🚣🏻🍞😜🚃🇺🇸📎#SuchANerd
— Sara Garland (@SaraDGarland) May 24, 2015
They can add a nice touch to a text, since texts sometimes can be misconstrued. (See also: sarcasm.) I still contend that if it’s something terribly important, you should use the actual phone or meet in person. However, a quick message or request or simple “hello” can be accented nicely by the emoji of your choice.
World Emoji Day. Definitely a smiley-faced sign of the times.
You’ve all heard the saying about how it’s safe to under-promise and over-deliver. Regardless of how far you go with that philosophy, you would have to agree that if you’re offering one service, one menu item, one ANYTHING, it would be wise to actually provide it.
(NOTE: On some mobile devices, the photo below appears to be sideways. I’m not sure why that’s happening. It seems to be just fine on my laptop. If it bothers you too much…well, just tilt your head until it looks normal. Sorry…and oops.)
I said I would post photographs; therefore, I’m going to post them. I had a nice outing along the Little Red River feeding my photography addiction. If you have the chance to visit the area, it’s a great place to relax, especially during this incredible heat wave. While you wouldn’t want to attempt swimming due to the cold water temperatures, the cold water temperatures have the bonus effect of cooling the air at the banks.
I have added the new landscapes to the photo gallery and included a link below for your viewing convenience. Check this one out and click the link for more of my work! Enjoy!
Why, yes…I did mention photography!
I’ve updated the menu on this page and added a Photo Gallery. Please browse through some of my original landscapes and nature photographs. This gallery is currently for display only. More details about purchasing photographs will be coming in the future.
Click below for an easy link to the page!
You’d probably like to know why you’re here.
I ask myself that philosophical question at least a dozen times a day.
However, you’re probably thinking more practically than that, so let me give you an idea of what I will be feeding you via this webpage.
I could describe myself in lots of different ways, but I think the best way to put it is that I’m a meticulously observant observer.
Case in point…if you were to create an acronym from that description, it would spell “M.O.O.” However, if you met me in person, you’d never associate the image of “cow” with my petite frame, so I suppose I’d be one of those skinny cows you hear about on the television, and…see what I mean? If it can be overthought, I’ll overthink it.
When social media came along, I finally had an outlet for all of my observations. Facebook was where I discovered my comedic voice. Twitter came along and helped me to choose my words carefully thanks to the character limit. YouTube…well, I haven’t fully utilized YouTube yet, but I’m sure I’ll find a way to embarrass myself there. (If I haven’t already. Everyone has a camera phone these days, so I could be a YouTube sensation for tripping over my own left foot and just not know it…)
As I started compiling these observations and generally refining my wordsmithery, I made the decision to begin working on a manuscript for a book. I’m editing at this point and very excited about the possibilities.
But, I guess you’d still like me to answer that all-important practical yet philosophical question.
Why are you here?
Read some of my stories.
Think about some of my observations.
Rest assured that grammatical correct-ness still exists…or, yeah.
Check out my landscape photography (and maybe buy a print or four).
Follow an eclectic hodgepodge of hobbies.
See, the thing is, I just want to make you (yes, you) smile. If you enjoy my webpage, great! If not…don’t tell anyone you don’t like it. Instead, tell a friend who might actually like it that they should really give it a read and…
I’ll stop now. In the meantime, I’m going to continue working on the page.
Welcome, enjoy, and have a lovely…whatever time of day it is.