A Book Review: Webster’s Thesaurus

The mark of an excellent (marvelous, fine, wonderful, superior) publication (book, manual, treatise) has a great deal to do with the compelling anecdote (story, tale) contained within its covers.

With that in mind, I’m not thoroughly (entirely, totally, completely) certain (sure, assured) why or how “Webster’s Thesaurus” has attained (achieved, acquired, reached) the level of popularity–in terms of sales–that it has.

Here’s a fair warning to anyone looking for a quick (swift, speedy, brisk) read–it’s a tedious, burdensome task with no clear plot line or structure (framework, arrangement). While you will likely notice (observe, perceive, recognize) an immediate expansion (broadening, inflation) of your vocabulary, your social circle might dwindle (wane, decrease, diminish) under the increasingly frustrating weight of trying to decipher (determine, translate) your most basic conversational language.

I'm afraid to look for another word for "thesaurus." I fear that the universe would implode.
I’m still afraid to look for another word for “thesaurus.” I fear that the universe would implode.

And…I still haven’t figured out how it ends. “Zoom” seems an like odd last word for a book (see also publication).

Final review…wait for the movie.

A Reality Check: Lottery Loser Forced To Go Back To Practical Dreaming

Wahoo, Neb.–After a week of entertaining thoughts of leaving his job at a local air hockey manufacturing center for relaxation on a private Caribbean island, local Powerball loser Joe Goodefornuthin reluctantly made plans to shift gears to a more practical train of thought upon realizing that the winnings had gone to someone else.

“I plan to start daydreaming about my 401(k) next week. Today, though, I just need a little more time to make the cabana in my mind look like I think it could have.”

At press time, Goodefornuthin was driving home from work contemplating who he would have taken with him to the island, a small, uncharted tropical hideaway fully-stocked with a fifty-year supply of Cheetos and 25-seat private screening room set to play “The Godfather” on a continuous loop.

A Sunday Satire: Vehicle Resting Comfortably At Home

Turkey Feather, Ark.–Local authorities in Turkey Feather have called off a Ford Alert issued after 37-year-old Gina Stockdriver called police about a lost pickup truck. According to the report, Stockdriver entered the Turkey Feather General Store at approximately 3:40 p.m. and returned to the parking lot at approximately 3:50 p.m. unable to locate her vehicle.

Police discovered the 1997 Ford F-150 in its original parking spot after an extensive three-hour ground search. It was determined that a recently-applied car mustache had rendered the vehicle unidentifiable by its owner.

“I bought the car mustache so I could get around town without anyone noticing me so much,” said Stockdriver, who claims she was tired of everyone in town knowing where she was going before she did.

The vehicle was released back to the owner after being observed and treated at a local garage.